So, I have been missing for a week or so. There has been stuff in the personal life that has just been crappy and I don’t really have anything positive to talk about. Except for the following bits of goodness:
I watched Thor: The Dark World. Not the greatest movie, I’ll admit, but Tom Hiddleston… I am Loki-fied.
I got a red Poang chair and foot stool at Ikea and it is amazingly comfortable.
I have been sleeping really well lately. That is a huge thing. Huge.
I had an Oreo or 2. Maybe even 3. I love Oreos.
I found my framed Mark Rothko print so I can hang it on the wall by my red chair. Woot!
On Peter Gabriel’s amazing album So, Don’t Give Up is probably my favorite song. Besides being a political statement, as so many of his songs are, it features Kate Bush and her amazing vocal range. I had this album on CD in college when it first came out and I still listen to it frequently. It has never lost its shine.
Don’t give up
’cause you have friends
Don’t give up
You’re not beaten yet
Don’t give up
I know you can make it good
I could include all of the lyrics, they are so good. And today, they are speaking to me personally. How is it that once in a while, you hit your playlist that is randomized and the right song comes on? I feel like I am on the edge of change, that the other shoe is about to drop. I am mentally girding myself for battle, knowing that when that shoe does drop I will have a battle on the other side. For me, that battle may include overwhelming pain, depression, anxiety, anger, loneliness. But I have friends. I am not beaten yet. I can make it good. I won’t give up.
Weeds grow between good
Green on Green, How do I know
What to keep or throw?
Now, really, this is hypothetical as I do not do any of the gardening. But the Husband has been frustrated because he cannot get into the garden to weed because of all the rain. I have to say, however, that the strawberries are SO juicy this year!
Fly away home.
Your house is on fire.
And your children all gone.
All except one,
And that’s little Ann,
For she crept under
The frying pan.
Okay – maybe that’s a little more morbid than I want to be. But my baby (A2) has gone away for 2 weeks. She is with family and close friends, doing some work and having some fun. When we lived in the same town the Husband was raised in, A1 had the opportunity to work for our former daycare provider in the summer. She earned a little money and got a lot of training on how to take care of small kids. A2 had been lamenting the lack of that opportunity in our new home earlier in spring. So we told her she could certainly contact the daycare provider to see if she could do the same work for 2 weeks. The daycare provider welcomed her happily for 3 days each week that she is in town. A2 then contacted friends, grandparents, and an aunt and made arrangements for food, lodging, and transportation to and from work on working days.
So now she is gone. Last summer, she and her older sister went to summer camp for a week and I barely missed them. But now, it is just the baby flown away. I want to call her every few hours to check on her. I never checked on them last year. Do you suppose it’s because I knew her older sister would watch out for her? I guess I am not very trusting of her grandparents and I know that she has already been in a fight with the friend with whom she is to spend some of the weekend. She is old enough to handle those things herself. And she is a strong little girl. I guess I need to be strong to and let her go and have her own experiences. And having her out of the house means I can (hopefully) finish her quilt while she is away. That would be amazing.
Today’s art is, as usual, from tanglepatterns.com, String 035 – http://tanglepatterns.com/2013/01/tanglepatterns-string-035.html I think I told you at the beginning of this blog-venture that part of the goal is to document my arts and crafts and one of my goals is to go through, in order, each string from tanglepatterns. Good or bad, they show up here.
Disgusting really. My office is on the 11th floor overlooking downtown. Most days, the view is amazing. Today, it is truly frightful. I can barely make out any of the buildings, the sky is gray, gray, gray, and it looks like rain is coming down again. Soon, the Husband will be requesting tools and wood to build an ark. We have 2 cats and one dog, but they have been appropriately spayed or neutered (in case you are listening, Bob Barker). I am not really an animal person, so will I have to take other animals on my ark? God has not, that I know of, told the Husband to start gathering the animals 2 by 2. But the rain just will not stop in the middle of the country. And California? Horrifying drought. The 100 year weather extremes now seem to be on a 5 year cycle. I don’t want to see the Missouri and Mississippi flooding again and the people getting killed in Texas from rising waters. I feel like I have seen enough of these tragedies to last for the rest of my life. And I have a lot more living to do.
On the bright side: I did do two of the things I said yesterday that needed to get done. The trash bill? I don’t even know where that one is. But I do have a brand new shiny license plate for my car and the Boy is confirmed for Driving School (thank goodness). The Boy really needs to get his driver’s license. He works today at a time when both the Husband and I are supposed to be at work. Luckily I have a very understanding boss, and usually I would leave early. But today I went to the DMV (barf!) and can’t leave early. The husband can’t leave early. So, here we are… What to do? The Boy is going to see if one of his friends can take him, but if not, I will have to go. And risk losing my job because I am not reliable. Honestly, sometimes being an adult sucks.
I have an issue. Maybe several. I forget to do things. Not just the little things like picking up my shoes, but big stuff. Things that are on my list right now include paying the trash bill which is probably overdue and leaves me hoping that the trash and recycling get picked up today, registering and getting a license plate for a new car we bought in May whose temporary plate has expired, and confirming my son’s registration for Driver’s Ed for this Saturday. I don’t know why I do this. These are things that should be easy to get done and I just don’t do them. The husband gets so angry at me. I understand why. But it just doesn’t help. I don’t do the things I should. I even make lists of things to do and don’t do those I don’t want to.
I do it with little things too. Food burns while I am spinning or knitting because I have completely forgotten about it. Laundry goes sour in the washer because I feel like I am done with laundry. Then next time I feel like doing laundry, I have to start by rewashing the load in the washer. I start a bunch of things I never finish. My kids don’t think I am reliable all of the time. This is the part of my personal irresponsibility that hurts the most. They don’t see me as a mother who keeps her promises.
A lot of this has to do with Fibromyalgia. I hate to make excuses, but when it comes to my kids and my husband, I forget what we talked about yesterday. I have horrible pain one day that prevents me from going to the store. All I can do some nights after I get home from work is crawl into my bed and sleep until the next day. Right now, I am in one of these phases. Work is taking all of my energy to get through. My pain levels are very high and I am unable to concentrate. I don’t know what to do or where to go. I know I have an appointment with my rheumatologist coming up. The thing is, that before I started this job, I was sleeping well, had good energy, and my pain levels were very low. Do we blame the weather pattern we are stuck in, me drinking a couple of beers over the weekend, the job? All of it? It’s hell, you know. And I can’t fix it.
In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “Worldly Encounters.” The friendly, English-speaking extraterrestrial you run into outside your house is asking you to recommend the one book, movie, or song that explains what humans are all about. What do you pick?
This is a very funny daily prompt for a blog. I know that there are people who will take it seriously and recommend the Bible, the Koran, some important work of literature. I almost chose Jane Eyre because it is my favorite book ever. The Stand would be a good one too. Love me some Steven King. But instead the book I would give the alien outside my door would be my well-worn and well loved copy of The Joy of Cooking. Everything is in that book. Humor, wit, and how to kill, clean, grow, harvest and cook or preserve your own food. There are bits in the recipes about how they were created, where they came from, their history. Not necessarily a book you read, but interesting if you just happen to pick it up. And a valuable tool for survival.
At the same time, I would invite said friendly, English-speaking extraterrestrial into my house and pull up Netflix and queue up the episode of the Twilight Zone called ‘To Serve Man’. 25 minutes or so, surely he has that much time? Friendly aliens are not to be trusted. How many times have we learned that on TV, in books, in the movies? If aliens come to Earth, they are either coming with guns blazing, stealing people one at a time for horrifying scientific experiments, or … Like in To Serve Man under the guise of ‘helping’ Earth be more healthy, less war-like, more productive at food production. What is the goal of this friendly alien? Have I just handed him a cookbook that will help him serve me up on a platter? If you haven’t seen this episode of the Twilight Zone, stop everything and go watch it now. Really. It is necessary. One of the best single episodes of television ever.
If you asked me to define myself, my greatest role and self-definition is that of being a mother. Once, someone told me that when you die, it will not say on your tombstone “She was a good employee.” I have tried to separate how I define what I do to make money and what I do with my life. And so the State of My Year (in response to the Daily Prompt “State of Your Year.” ) will include only this about my employment status: I got a job which I started in March. It is a job and I do feel I will be helping people. But mostly the State of my Year is about my kids.
The Boy has grown so much in the first 5 months of the year. Today is the last day of his junior year of high school. This past weekend, some of his best friends graduated. He is rapidly approaching adulthood and is really seeing for the first time how the choices that he is making now may affect him for the rest of his life. Visiting colleges with him, he finally understands what the Husband and I have been telling him – his grade point average equals money for college. And college then turns into his path for adulthood. He has been much more aware of his grades this semester and has been working very hard. I am very proud of this. There have been some areas of pain and sadness for me – he has decided he is an atheist and does not believe we should force him to attend church with us. He still does not want to participate in family activities. I hope and pray for a future with this child coming around at some point and wanting to be a part of the family.
A1 has blossomed into a beautiful young woman. She is as successful in high school as we wanted and hoped her to be. She has made new friends and is participating in new and different activities. Last night, we had the end of the season banquet for her swimming season where she was recognized for being a leader on the team. She received a varsity letter and was recognized as being part of 3 relay teams that broke school records. As she is only a freshman, there are great things in her future. I feel like I was such a better parent to her than the Boy, though I don’t know what I did differently. Maybe it is just that they are, in the end, two different people.
A2 just finished 5th grade and will be moving on to middle school. She is a funny, lively, amazing girl. She has grown up, up, up since the beginning of the year. Probably close to five inches. This age is such a time of growth and learning. Somewhere between childhood and teenager – so difficult. And to have two siblings in high school who want nothing to do with her, I feel for her. She is so active, always outside working on cars, in the garden, or inside cooking, crafting or building something. She is a bit of an enigma to me. At this age, with the Boy and A1, I could see into their futures and I was pretty accurate. But I don’t know what the next few years hold for this one. I will just have to watch and be there for her.
As for my state of the year – I am watching my children grow. I am making plans for my future, thinking about starting a crafting business on the side of my technical job. I am also looking forward at the aging of my parents and my in-laws. I am trying to prepare myself for their declines in health and what that will mean for the Husband and I. And my own brother I have somehow become a counselor for and because of his lack of maturity, I have taken over parenting his daughter and grand-parenting his granddaughter. Thus far, I will give 2015 a thumb’s up. But we’re not even half way through!